Abigail's Essay

President Rutherford Hayes (What kind of name is Rutherford? Seriously? Who named their kid Rutherford) was a boring blah blah blah old dead guy who did some stuff in the past that has no effect whatsoever on me today.

In 1877 or something like that, Hayes took away all the swanky soldiers with their big guns from the south. Since there were no big-ole army colonels or privates or anything making the south behave, they broke all the rules and moved their pieces up the slide in chutes and ladders.

The only thing that Rutherford (giggle) ever did was to try and fail to pass one measly civil reform law. Loooosseeeerrr!

Then there was some depression and everyone wanted more money and he said no and congress said yes and congress gave everyone more money.

In conclusion, Rutherford Hayes was a loser-pants of epic proportions, who didn't even have the gall while he was president to change his name to something normal---like, Steve. Or Joe. Or Bob. Or Rainbow Sunshine.

Grade: A for April Fool's Joke